Upstairs, in the kitchen, my wife is singing along with the radio. Downstairs, in the next room, the kids are constructing a world with horses, trucks, little people, and magic. I’m in my office, drinking coffee and “working from home” in sweats and socks. In front of me there is baking to do, which will be fun! Life is good right now.
November 26, 2008
October 31, 2008
um, but it looks good on you…
Earlier this week I went to get a hair cut. I figured it was time as my wife was referring to my hair as “that shrub on your head”. We both go to the same place to get our hair cut and we let the same person do it. When I got to the haircut place, V_ was cutting some guys hair. She yelled a greeting across the shop and asked me how my wife was. I was saying how wonderful she was etc. when all of a sudden we are interrupted by:
“take me down to paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty, oh, oh”
V_ looked at me and said, “There she is, calling you on your cell phone to make sure you are here.”
I smiled and yelled back, “I wouldn’t have that ‘Guns and Roses’ crap on my cell phone!”
*sigh*
Unfortunately, the guy in the chair in front of V_ would. It was only after those words had left my mouth did I notice that it looked like a pair of dogs fighting under his apron as he violently went through his pockets to find his phone and quiet it. The look he gave me wasn’t pleasant so I tried a saving throw:
um, wow, actually, I *do* like *that* song…
That didn’t help. Then the first few strains of “New York New York” started filtering out from under the apron. “Voice mail?” I offered.
I think I heard him grinding his teeth. The rest of the haircut passed in silence.
As he was paying, we were greeted with “Like a virgin Touched for the very first time…”
He ran. He simply bolted through the door and ran. I don’t think he heard me when I yelled after him that I *liked* Madonna.
V_ looked at me over the top of her glasses, “He didn’t leave a tip.”
ME: “Well, it sounds like he spends all his money on ring tones.”
V_: long stare.
After I got my hair cut I left a tip. Pretty soon now my wife is going to see the receipt and wonder why my haircut cost so much.
October 13, 2008
Attack of the 50′ Halloween Party
Dear readers, I have heard your plea, “give us more stories of Damanda. We don’t follow you on Twitter, we have a life!” Well, my sister-in-law had her baby , was going to be laid off, is now not going to be laid off, school started for the other kids…well, they have been a bit underwater recently and there hasn’t been anything for me to blow out of proportion.
Fortunately, we are starting into the holiday season!
Saturday was a busy day. I was up at 6 am to drive 2 hours to the beach, attend a birthday party, and drive back. As I’m more of an introvert, being pleasent and social at a party for several hours plus the drive about killed me. When we got back to town I wasn’t ready to go to the party. But I thought it would be a simple affaire with family. I could just sit and stare into space at the end of the couch and everything would be fine.
Well, we turn into a nice quiet neighborhood at dusk and noticed a distant glow down the street. The glow was Damanda’s house. Halloween lights, eyeballs in the windows, tombstones in the yard, and a giant bouncing house in the back yard. Oops! So much for the family party. Nope, it was one mother of a shindig!
We walk in the door and are greeted by running monsters, princesses, a pirate or two, and the creature of from the black lagoon! I found a nice corner and stood there for a bit to adjust to the mayhem. I saw Damanda’s husband across the room. He has habit of running his hands through his hair. When he starts getting anxious, he does it more often. By this time, his hair was standing on end and coming out in tufts. He joined me in the corner and we decided it would look bad if we started drinking straight from the bottle in front of the kids. I mentioned to him that I thought the party was supposed to be smaller. He nodded and told me it was. But then all of a sudden it became huge and the kids were somewhow divided into waves and the second half was due any minute!
Here’s what happened. Damanda gave her daughter two invitations to give to two of her friends in school. Well, her daughter wanted to invite more than two people so she gave the two girls their invitation and told them to show it to mom, and bring it back. Then, she scratched out their names, wrote in two other names, and did the same thing all over again. She turned two invitations into six. Damanda found out about this little trick when she got an email from a mom thanking her for the invitation but wondering why several names had been added, then scratched off.
Damanda’s daughter is in first grade and slighty miffed she is no longer the baby of the family.
Her son, on the other hand, simply invited his football team instead one or two people on the football team. In fact, the people he didn’t actually speak to, came up to Damanda after Saturdays game and said “I heard there was a party, great, thanks, we will be there at 5!”
Where football players go, soon will follow cheerleaders and so was the case here.
Fortunatly, Damanda held up China at gunpoint and had more plastic halloween crap trinkits so everyone went home with a bucket of *something*. There were hot dogs, a bouncy house to fight in, and dozens of swords laying around to smack each other with so the kids had fun.
At one point I was sent out to get three large pizzas in which to feed the second wave. After I was attacked by a pack of hungry wolves children, my wife took pity on me and took me home.
I can’t wait till Christmas!
September 19, 2008
What does your car say about you?
Fearless Leader is having Car Trouble Through this saga, as my in-laws run a used car lot, we have been discussing different car strategies. He finally asked me how I decided on which cars I buy and drive. I had to admit that I actually don’t get much of a choice. For example, the car before this one was a Mercedes Station Wagon. It was comfortable, big, and easy to drive. Well, at some point, someone came on the car lot and asked my father-in-law if he knew of any Mercedes Station wagons for sale. Guess what. The next week I was driving a Saab. (I didn’t say I drove crap cars, I said they weren’t mine) Occasionally a little money changes hands but I always get a good deal.
Sometimes he gives me cars that need fixing. I borrowed a truck one Friday evening to haul a bunch of stuff Saturday morning. Well, I got up Saturday morning and it was raining. The only reason this is relevant is that the windshield wipers didn’t work. Later that day I mentioned it to him -
Me: BTW - The windshield wipers didn’t work on that truck.
Him: I know, did you fix it?
Me: Well, yes…It was raining!
Him: That’s great! The trucks been sold! I need it back.
After our first child was born, my wife wanted to visit her friend in Charlotte. As this was our first child, we felt the need to carry a truck load of stuff when we went to visit. We quickly discovered that my wife’s Mercedes wasn’t big enough so we borrowed a minivan from her dad. When we got back Sunday night, he dropped by the house:
him: How was the trip?
wife: We had a lot of fun.
him: um, where’s the title to the Mercedes?
wife: why do you need the title?
him: well, while you were gone, I sold your car.
wife: YOU SOLD MY CAR?!?! I DON’T WANT TO DRIVE A MINIVAN!
him: It will be fine, I got a good deal on it. You can keep the minivan for free!
September 15, 2008
Toilets can be fun
Well, toilets are funny if you are in elementary school…and me. Try it. Walk into the house on a Sunday afternoon, look at your kids and say, “Hi folks, I just bought a toilet. It’s in the back of the car.” The will laugh and run outside to look at the new toilet. Of course, it might also be the fact that we have purchased the lowest tier of cable which consists of 12 tv channels, 2 of which are in Spanish and two are C-SPAN or the NCSU educational channel. As you can imagine, they were looking for something to do. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
To make a long story short, I tried to fix my toilet this weekend. I noticed on Thursday that it was running and I figured that all I needed to do was replace the inlet valve. Three trips to Home Depot and a new toilet later, I am happy to say I fixed the problem. Should I have called a plumber? Perhaps, but then I would have mowed the grass instead and I really don’t like mowing the grass.
Regardless, as you can see in the picture, I now have a spare toilet! Being the artsy, sensitive guy I am I placed it in the front flower garden. To say my wife is not artsy nor sensitive, nor lacking a sense of humor would be wrong, but she is a lot more open to the idea of a toilet in the BACK YARD.
Me: It will make a great planter!
Her: Toilets suck as planters as they don’t drain and drown your plants.
Who knew?
I also suggested making it into a fountain. She thought it was a great idea for a BACK YARD fountain. At the very least, it’s another home improvement project. I will supply pictures when it’s finished.
September 12, 2008
Seeing myself through my wife’s eyes
Last night, my wife and I were laying in bed reading. I was reading an historical fiction book about mystery, cloak and dagger skulduggery set right after the Louisiana Purchase and my wife was reading some trashy novel chick lit. All of a sudden, she sat up, pointed at the book and said”
Her: This could be you!
Me: ?
Her: This guy in this book, he could be you!
Me: What? Devilishly handsom, mesmerizing brown eyes, huge turgid…
Her: No!
Me: What then?
Her: Bookish, geeky, nice guy with bushy eye brows.
Me:….*sigh*, I’ll get the scissors…
September 11, 2008
Daddy, what’s a stripper?
Yesterday, the kids and I were off on errands. Among them was a trip to the library to drop off and check out additional books. The kids were reading in the back and were were happily motoring along.
At the stop light, my daughter pipes up, “Daddy, what’s a stripper?” I knew she was reading the “Guinness book of World Records” so I paused before simply telling her it was something that removes paint.
“Why do you want to know?” thinking perhaps she had run across some record set by some stripper that I was going to have to further explain. I wasn’t looking forward to the conversation and we are at the beginning of the errand.
“Well, this guy, Bernie Barker, is the oldest male stripper and I was wondering what he did.”
“Oh, ok, well, a stripper is a person who generally dances while taking his clothes off”
“Yuck, I don’t want to do that.”
“Well, ok, mom and I were going to send you to stripper camp next summer but now we won’t”
“Good!”
“By the way, how old was he?”
“He was 60 when he started.”
“I see…..”
Bernie Barker I leave you with a link in case you want to read more.
July 30, 2008
me on giving my brother-in-law a hard time
7:53:08 AM kenc: yep, works tough - here i am, sitting outside under an awning outside the coffee shop on the wireless network
7:53:29 AM Joel: thanks. I needed that.
7:53:48 AM kenc: did I mention the breeze?
7:54:19 AM Joel: I had the tunes cranked up in my dark, windowless cell.. .until someone came by….
7:55:23 AM kenc: LOL - wel, in 6 minutes the clock tower on campus will start playing some tune that sounds like somebody tossed a lot of pots and pans down a flight of stairs
7:55:46 AM kenc: so it’s not all hookers and whisky over here either 
7:56:19 AM Joel: when did CH upgrade to hookers & whiskey?
7:56:32 AM Joel: I thought it was all frat boys & PBR
7:56:51 AM kenc: I’m staff, not a student
7:57:07 AM Joel: mt bad
June 25, 2008
My problem with “ed”, the suffix, not the condition
A few weeks back my wife was leaving on a four day weekend with “the girls”. One of them was turning 40 and they were meeting in Charleston to celebrate. The one who was turning 40 moved away to Indiana a few years back so it was a great chance to get everyone together. It seems that one of the things she missed about living around here was the fluffernutter pie that is made by a local church. Naturally, my wife and her friends thought it would be a nice surprise if they swung by the church and picked one up to take with them. Alas, it was Thursday and they only make them on Tuesdays. Well, my wife looks at me and says “make me a fluffernutter pie”.
OK, well, I had never ever heard of a fluffernutter pie, much less ever made one so to the Internet I went. It may surprise you to know there aren’t a lot of fluffernutter recipes on the Internet. I settled on this one.
“>Fluffernutter Pie
Fluffernutter Pie
Posted by: ShazInCA Thu, 8 Apr 2004, at 8:09 a.m.1 envelope unflavored gelatin
1 cup cold water
3 tablespoons sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup peanut butter
1 cup Marshmallow Fluff®
2 cups heavy or whipping cream
1 Chocolate Crumb CrustIn medium saucepan combine 1/2 cup cold water and gelatin; let stand 1 minute. Cook stirring constantly, until gelatin is completely dissolved. Remove from heat Stir in sugar, vanilla and remaining water. Beat in peanut butter and Fluff®. Chill until mixture mounds when dropped from spoon. Fold in whipped cream. Turn into crust; chill until set.
It looks pretty easy, I gathered everything together and dove right in.
If you look for the ingredients list you will see that it calls for 2 cups of heavy or whipping cream. This is important.
I was rolling along pretty well and I had reached the part where the recipe said “Fold in whipped cream.” I did briefly think it was odd that I was supposed to fold a carton of “heavy or whipping” cream into this gelatinous mixture of peanut butter and Marshmellow Fluff but what did I know, I had never seen a pie like this before.
It was bad. I created a swampy mess. The mass of peanut butter and Fluff kinda floated in a soup of unattractive cream and the whole thing smelled of peanut butter. Pouring this train wreck into a pie tin and refrigerating it over night didn’t help. I should have tossed the mess into the backyard and told my wife it didn’t work. Instead, I backed it into a cooler and told her to have fun with the pie, I would never put anything like that in my mouth.
A few weeks later everyone was in town for a wedding and the subject of the pie came up in conversation. Let’s just say that everyone thought I was right about the pie and nobody ate it. I won’t mention the 20 minutes of editorials about the pie But it was that conversation that lead me to the realization of what I had done wrong.
I had never whipped the cream!
In my defense, the recipe never told me to, but really, who would simply pour 2 cups of heavy cream onto a gelatinous mass and try to fold it in? (well, other than me) After all, the recipe does call for “whippED cream” not “whipping cream”. Had I whipped the cream I probably would have added some chocolate liquor as the whole thing was under chocolated in my opinion.
I may have to try it again, but not this week…
June 23, 2008
Riding to the gym
The family is in the car riding home from the gym when my daughter wants to know if we will ever ride out bikes to go work out.
I said, “Sure, when our legs are too big to fit in our pants.”
My son then pipes up, “Hooray, we will be riding in our underware!”
hmmm, yes, I supppose we will have too…